Atonement
by Illyrian Lassie
Summary: Ulquiorra was right, this was true despair - an insight to what Ichigo was thinking as he waits for the ultimate despair. Ichigo-centric. No implied pairing. Written for IchiHime Tanabata 2009. Oneshot.


**Atonement**

Author's note: Written for the Tanabata Contest at FLOL. Was not inspired by anything, or any event (manga or real life) in particular. I ran out of ideas and started to write something that came from my mind, and it continued until I got this light bulb in the head that said "stop!". This fic is shorter than what I usually writes, and more cryptic too.

Anyhow, I hope you enjoy this little offering from me, and Happy Tanabata!

* * *

Kurosaki Ichigo, contrary to popular perception, was a curious person. Other onlookers might be thinking that a person as simple-minded as him would let things slide, but he knew better than that. There were things in life that he would never let slide.

The latest to the list was his incumbent defeat of the Cuatro Espada, Ulquiorra Ciffer.

He knew perfectly what the only reason for Ulquiorra's dismembered body was, because he knew of only one other being that would have the perfect capacity to destroy where he couldn't. He understood what the only thing that could always claimed superiority over him was.

He had long discarded the resistance of calling it a part of himself. Like it or not, the horse overrode the king.

Him.

He watched as the ashes of Ulquiorra's disintegrated spiritual body spread all over the space. The remnants of the defeat he couldn't call his victory. The enemy he did not win against.

His head begun spinning to where he had last lost his consciousness.

At that time he had hated to admit that Ulquiorra was right. That he was experiencing real despair.

He could barely remember what his exact thoughts were; only that he must not lose.

Vehemently holding his sword, he forced himself to remember the only purpose for which he was fighting for. His mind rapidly flashed to the moments where he had first realized his path for atonement.

_Thank you, Rukia. You stopped the rain. _

Rukia's grateful, smiling face came to mind. There were many ways to explain the reason for his journey to rescue her from her execution; but her smiling face as he told her that was enough to represent his newfound resolution.

He would live for people he cared for.

His mother lived and died for people she cared for – for him. The only path of atonement that honours his mother was to dedicate himself for the sake of other people. He realized that as he left the gateway to the real world.

He also realized that the greatest jubilation didn't come from the moment where he blocked the firebird for Rukia. And not the moment when he stopped Aizen's blade from swinging down to both her and Renji.

But when he saw her reconnecting to what she could have lost.

Her brother's love.

Renji's companionship.

And lastly, peace of mind.

Ichigo didn't really acknowledge it – but he knew he's both selfish and selfless from wanting to live for people that he cared about. Selfless because he cares nothing about what he will be subjecting himself to for wanting the best for others; and selfish because he would be forcing this train of thought towards others without their consent.

The latter probably started a string of aversions for his actions.

Yamamoto-soutaichou called him rash.

Ulquiorra practically called him delusional for thinking that he's omnipotent.

He knew he wasn't wrong. That's why he ignored everything else and lived for the next moment he could see the person he cared about being alright.

_Don't die, Kurosaki-kun!_

Now it was Orihime's sobbing face that appeared in his mind. A thought just appeared as though it was a mental light bulb – how could he never realize that Orihime couldn't rest until she sees him alright?

He tightened his grip on the hilt of his black sword, trying to fight gravity despite the consistently rapid energy drainage occurring within his spiritual body.

He can't give up. He can't die.

He had to win.

He had to win!

He remembered the feeling. It was painful to recall how he was denying his blatant fate, in front of an enemy he was too powerless to fight on equal footing and win with his abilities.

But he also remembered something else. It was fuzzy and unclear, but he thought he finally understood what drove the horse.

A call to his heart. His true purpose. His true _desire_.

_Kurosaki-kun!_

Everything was black. He couldn't see anything.

_Kurosaki-kun!_

He could only hear her. Why was she calling him?

_Help, Kurosaki-kun!_

He can't let this happened, and he clearly didn't.

He stole a glance at Orihime again.

He made another oath. But this time to himself.

He wouldn't want to hear that distressed voice again.

He would not fail again.

* * *


End file.
